If you went back in time and told younger me that at the age of 27 I'd be living alone, I'd flat out laugh in your face. Clearly you must have been sniffing some pretty crazy ass drugs to come up with an idea like that! 'Coz little old me can barely cook bacon on toast, I've never touched a washing machine, the dark scares me, and I can barely make a phone call without feeling as though I'm about to stand up in front of the G5 Summit to make some sort of world changing speech! Well my dear, hop into my time travelling machine and visit 2015 with me! Let's go for a cup of tea with your future self, who now lives alone in her own little flat! Yes, you heard me correctly, you now live alone......
Living alone, a situation I never expected myself to be in. I felt dreadfully homesick when I lived in halls of residence, I befriended students who hadn't managed to get into halls of residence and offered up my room as a place to stay. My room was pretty much full of people each and every night, from spontaneous parties to sleepovers I was rarely alone. I moved back home for my final year due to my declining health and I was so glad to return back to the familiarity of home. I was a true home bird, I missed the home cooking, the fact that your washing was magically done for you, it was familiar and I craved it.
When the time came to consider moving away from home I felt ready, it wasn't too far away but yet I still felt as though I was moving far away (10 minutes, if that!) but I was ready to cut free and to begin my own future. The thing is I was a bit of an idiot, I still took a back seat, I didn't pay any attention as to how the washing machine worked, what all the buttons meant on the oven, how the heating was programmed... All I cared about was what colours went with which for the bedroom, and creating IKEA shopping lists! Granted I had no idea about what was going to happen but I was so incredibly silly. It was all rosy for a while, I had all my meals cooked for me, somebody else dealt with all the scary bills and there was always somebody to come home to. Then life monumentally unravelled, my mum got sick, I was unwell and then came the situation I was totally unprepared for, I was going to be living alone. At first I thought I couldn't do it, I moved back home for a while to escape the toxic place in which I had once called home. I sat and had a heart to heart with my parents and they also thought I couldn't cope living alone and the best thing to do would be to move back home, permanently. That night I lay in my old bed back at my parents house, I remembered lying there many years earlier the night before my first hip replacement. I remembered how scared and afraid I felt, although I had tremendous support around me I felt very alone. I remember the promise I made myself that night, "If I can face this on my own, I can face anything." I suddenly felt a wave of strength and there and then I decided that I would not give up my home and I would live alone.
And here I am, living alone! It's been a tough journey. There have been times where I could've easily given up, there have been some very dark days and some very happy days. I remember the very first night I came home alone, I left my parents house and drove home in tears. My heart was racing, my body was urging me to turn around and go back to the security of their arms. I honestly don't know how I did it, I walked up the stairs to my apartment in floods of tears (thank goodness my neighbours are pretty boring and don't go out much!) I put my key in the door and my heart broke. I shut the front door and stood in my hallway sobbing my heart out. I felt so afraid, so utterly lost and alone. I got through that night hour by hour and I will always be tremendously proud of myself for sticking with it.
Do I enjoy living alone? No, not really and you know what? That's okay to admit. None of my other friends live on their own, it's an accomplishment that few people achieve. It's bloody hard work, I've had to get to grips with the oven and the washing machine, not to mention learning how my heating works, dealing with bills, and who knew that your phone line socket has a protective flap over it?! A very lovely gentleman at Sky had a giggle at my expensive when I told him angrily that BT had "Filled my socket in". I've cried alone, laughed alone and survived alone. I've held my own hand through some bad times, I've cheered myself up, I've dated myself, I've got to know myself. I will never enjoy living alone
but I'm glad I've done it, for I will always know that I can survive 'alone'. I sincerely hope that I won't have to live alone forever, I'm not a loner and it's just not me. I'm a people person, and people persons don't really belong on their own!
